Almost a Week Late, But...

Things I'm Proud Of:

• I got my room clean.
• I got the bathroom clean.
• I had a good session with Darren and was able to ask to see him sooner rather than later when I needed to.

Good Things That Happened:

• My loan deferment went through.
• I was able to say no to M about babysitting this week when I really needed a break.

Goals For The Week:

• Go to the pool at least once.
• Follow my healthy eating plan at least 3 days this week.
• Limit caloric beverages to meals.
• Make all monthly payments.

It took me nearly a week to get this written and published, but I did it...and that's another thing I can be proud of.

To Move, or Not To Move

I'm running out of time to make a decision about this.

I mentioned in one of my previous posts that my friends M and R had made an offer for me to live with them when they move. Some more details:

They're willing to let me pay only $150.00 in rent in exchange for helping with chores around the house and occasionally taking care of the baby, as well as truck services and some other things. The problem is my budget. It looks something like this:

• $100 to credit card
• $100 to Care Credit
• $100 to my parents
• $50 for insurance
• $60 for gas

That's a total of $410 out of the $696 I get every month, which means only $286 is left over. If I pay them $150, that means I've got a total of $136 for a month's worth of food. This is not enough. I've come up with a few ways I can eke out a few extra dollars:

• Pay only $75 to my credit card ($25 more)
• Pay only $75 to my parents ($25 more)
• There will be a minor raise on my Social Security this coming year. There will be, however, an accompanying raise on my Medicare deduction.

With those first two things, if my parents will consent, that raises my food and entertainment budget to $186. Also, my mom has offered to help me with groceries in some capacity...like buying my meat for me at the base, where it's cheaper. With that budget I might even be able to afford to save a few dollars every month.

The downside to this budget is, of course, there's absolutely no security if something goes wrong. If the truck breaks down, or I have medical expenses I haven't foreseen, or my computer dies, or the cat has to go to the vet...I'm dead in the water. One could make the argument that I'm dead in the water whether I'm here or there, though, so I'm not sure what that really means.

Pros and Cons!

Pros:

• I'd be out on my own.
• I'd be with friends.
• It would be a new experience.

Cons:

• I'd have to learn very quickly to be more responsible with my money.
• I'd also have to be responsible with the "job" of cleaning and general household duties.
• If this doesn't work out, I could well lose my friends.
• This budget is TIGHT. No room for error.
• I'm giving up a certain quality of life that I have with my parents.
• If I get seriously depressed or manic there's a possibility I'd fall through on my obligations.

If I could be assured that a) I could come back home if things didn't work out and b) that M and R wouldn't be permanently angry with me for backing out of things, I think I would feel comfortable about making the decision to go.

I think I really do want to go, but I'm so crippled by the uncertainties. And there are an awful lot of them. Do I want to do this? CAN I do this? I wish more people read this so I could get some kind of feedback on my nonsensical attempt to organize my thoughts. There are an awful lot of cons up there, but the pros are pretty heavy. It really WOULD be nice to be on my own, especially if my roommates are people I already trust and like. I don't know what to do.

Ugh.

Thanksgiving!

I think it's important to give thanks. I post positives every week because it is beneficial for me to remember that the whole world isn't dark and unhappy. While this reminder isn't any more necessary today than any other day, it's nice that there's a whole day devoted to exactly that - giving thanks. So today I'm going to post positives until I can't think of any more, and then I'll post one more. Here goes nothing!

• I'm alive.
• I have friends and family who love me.
• My family's health is generally good.
• I'm making new friends.
• I have a wonderful cat.
• I have a roof over my head and enough food to eat.
• An opportunity to move out and be more independent has recently presented itself.
• I know things can get better.
• Play-doh!
• And milk!
• Christmas is coming up.
• This blog - it's nice to have an outlet.

And here's the last one...

• Curly ribbon!

I hope everyone has something they're grateful for and are able to appreciate it. Happy Thanksgiving, all you people (just D, then...;).

Good Stuff, Wednesday Edition

Well, it's Wednesday. A whole week has passed. Stuff happened. Some things that didn't happen, however, were any of my goals from last week. I just didn't do it. There were some good things, though.

Things I'm proud of:

• I continued to get out of the house on a regular basis, avoiding isolating.
• I helped my mom plan and start to execute Thanksgiving dinner.
• I made a new friend that I spoke to on the phone.

Good things that happened:

• There's a possibility I might be moving out! This one deserves some explanation.

M, R, K, and M2 have decided not to renew the lease on their apartment. They also decided to stay in Phoenix (yay!) and are looking for a house to rent. M approached me the other day and asked how much I could pay in rent if I were to live there...a long discussion of my budget ensued, and there are still a LOT of things that would have to be worked out, but I'm trying to remain cautiously neutral...not getting my hopes up, but not assuming the worst, either.

Goals for the week:

Since none of the goals I set last week were accomplished I'm rolling them over to this week, and adding a new one to keep things fresh.

• Go to the pool at least twice.
• Develop a healthy eating plan.
• Drink only calorie-free beverages.
• Finish cleaning my room, including dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, getting rid of the frog tank, making the bed, and cleaning the catbox.
• Spend time pricing items at the grocery store and filling in the spreadsheet for my food budget.

Stay tuned for a special gratitudes post on Thanksgiving.

Ruminating

I posted goals yesterday! I thought I'd expand on them today.

• Go to the pool twice this week

I need to find two days where there aren't appointments or other obligations and just suck it up and GO. I'm very good at making excuses about this one...I'm not comfortable in my swimsuit, I don't feel well, I'm too tired...it's neverENDING. Seriously, Sword...just do it.

• Develop a healthy eating plan

This is primarily going to be getting back into SparkPeople.com and re-familiarizing myself with the features and the boards. I'd also like to find a couple of supportive teams to join. And finally, I need to start tracking my food. For now I'm just going to track what I normally eat without worrying about conforming to nutrition goals, but hopefully next week I'll step up to that. For now...just watching.

• Drink only calorie-free beverages

Well, yeah. I mean, obviously no more milk...really, I could cry. I might be crying right now! Fortunately, Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi is delicious, and I have access to filtered water and several cases of Sobe Lifewater. If I'm careful, this one should be a cinch. No more milk...

• Clean my room

There are no tricks to this one. It just has to be done. I think I'll go in order: dishes, trash, laundry, desk, bed, vacuum, cat box, frog tank, dust. It seems like a logical progression I can easily follow. It'll be nice to have my space clean; I always feel better when things are tidy. And boy, do I need to feel better.

Those are four really important goals that will require some effort, but I think it's doable. I think these things will help improve my mental health, too, which is dangerously close to ...well, dangerous. I'll try anything once! Some things I'll try 3 or 4 times.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. C. I was worried about it yesterday; I'm more worried about it now. I'm really feeling disconnected and numb. Even my worry is dull and distant. I think I'll take K's suggestion to write down bullet points of things that need to be discussed and take my mom in with me so things get accomplished, even if I haven't started giving a shit by morning.

A huge thanks to D for being wonderful and M for being practical and supportive and generally awesome. I have amazing friends.

Good Stuff

I'll start by doing a Positives Tuesday, a la Dawni.

Things I'm proud of:

• I've been keeping up my deal with Darren that I would get out or do something twice a day. I've been to the damn store nearly every day for the last month! This is an important part of my coping skills - no isolating.
• I got part of my room tidied yesterday.
• I kept my head when the Ford overheated this afternoon. Matt and Melissa and I walked to the store, bought some coolant, put it in, and drove on. I didn't panic!
• I've been nice to people in chat.

Good things that happened:

• On the way back to the apartment, Matt, Melissa and I stopped in the Asiana market. We were in there for-freaking-ever, but it was a lot of fun, and I got some nifty snacks to try.
• I went on a 15 minute walk with my mom this afternoon. I don't think I'll be able to do it again, but it was nice to spend time with her and it was a healthy thing to do for myself.
• I've been getting along really well with both my parents. It's been very calm, peaceful, and civilized.

Goals for the week:

• Go to the pool at least twice.
• Develop a plan for eating healthily.
• Drink only calorie-free beverages!
• Finish cleaning my room (includes dishes, laundry, vacuuming, catbox, making the bed, and getting rid of the frog tank.)

That was harder than it looked. Phew.